Marriage is a remedy for concupiscence (but no one knows what that means)
Marriage is called a “remedy for concupiscence.”
But few people know what that means.
Most assume it’s just about sex. Usually people use it to mean marriage provides a legitimate sexual outlet. Or they mean sex is supposed to make you less likely to sin.
But it’s more than that.
Put simply: Marriage makes you less selfish.
What the Tradition Teaches
The idea comes from St. Paul who said “it is better to marry than to burn” (1 Cor 7:9).
Pope Pius XI in Casti Connubii called this “the quieting of concupiscence.” (59)
St. Thomas Aquinas took this to mean this marriage provides grace to resist concupiscence—the desires of your flesh that are contrary to reason.
“A remedy can be employed against concupiscence… by repressing it in its root, and thus matrimony affords a remedy by the grace given therein.” (Summa, Supplement Q. 42, A. 4, reply to obj. 4)
The grace given in marriage (not “sex” itself) remedies concupiscence by pulling out the root of the sin.
The most obvious way marriage does that is by satisfying your desire for sex.
But the “root” of concupiscence is not merely a desire for sex. The root of concupiscence is human selfishness. It’s a desire for money, pleasure (sex and food), fame, power, etc.
If marriage is a remedy for concupiscence, it heals ALL of these things. Sex is only a part of it.
Pope Saint John Paul II saw marriage as a response to Christ’s call to “deny yourself.” Theology of the Body—also often reduced to just about sex—was a treatise on how “man can only find himself through a sincere gift of himself.” (Gaudium et Spes, 24)
How marriage heals you
Marriage puts you in situations where your selfishness gets tested daily.
A friend of mine likes to say men and women are technically incompatible. Men tend to enjoy risk while women care about security. CS Lewis noticed when men get tired, they stop talking. When women get tired, they talk more. Not only on the level of gender, but on the personal level, too. Some are messy some clean, extroverted and introverted, etc.
In marriage, you have to live with this person and do hard things together. Balance a budget, change jobs, raise children, and buy houses.
When you’re single you can do these things on your own terms. In marriage you do them together and you will fight. But like sandpaper, you rub against each other and you shape each other.
Just from my own marriage, raising kids has forced me to be less selfish and be more considerate of my wife’s time. Regular stuff like that has shaped me.
The Sacrament Makes the Difference
Like Thomas said, marriage only works because of sacramental grace. When you have a sacramental marriage, God gives the grace to overcome these things.
Marriage was an institution before Christianity, but Christ elevated it to a sacrament through grace.
Non-sacramental marriage doesn’t remedy concupiscence like Christian marriage. This is why divorce was allowed under the old covenant but not under the new. It was allowed because of our weakness.
In the new covenant, God gives grace to overcome it. The only way to remedy concupiscence is grace
Take Up Your Cross
For a married couple that’s struggling right now: Let the struggle be a remedy. Let it form you and shape you.
This is what “take up your cross” meant. Jesus said the only way a person finds himself is through total gift of himself.
That’s what marriage gives you the opportunity to do. It gives you an opportunity to give yourself totally to another person. And in that, you will remedy your own concupiscence.
So even when marriage feels difficult, remember God has given you the grace to overcome it.
This is great and also a bit spooky! Because I was literally just thinking about this topic and then picked up my phone and see this essay on Substack. Well done!