Earlier this week, a young man posted one of his dating woes on X. He posted a screenshot of a text thread, and the conversation had turned to male headship and the topic of “wives, submit to your husbands.” It was clear something in the conversation turned the woman off, because she unmatched him.
The young man was understandably frustrated. And I do feel for this guy. Since we can only see a couple of lines of the conversation, for all we know, he was simply voicing an opinion, responding to a question she asked, and being honest. This is likely because it seems like he tried changing the subject.
However, this controversy brought up a reality that many young Catholics, especially men, face today: they take dating way too seriously, and without realizing it, they turn women off.
Fear-Based Dating
I don’t want this to turn into an exposition of Ephesians 5 – talking about mutual submission or male headship or any of that. Instead, I want to step back and help men understand why they might be turning young women off, despite thinking they’re doing the right thing.
Young men in the dating world have this picture in their head of a young woman who is as feminist as they come, who is going to nag them for the rest of their lives. That’s an understandable fear. Even Scripture says it’s better to live on the corner of a rooftop than to live in a house with a nagging wife. (Proverbs 21:9)
Choosing your spouse is the most important decision of your life, and men are understandably afraid they’re going to be stuck in a marriage with a bad woman. It happens. So, dating for men becomes this kind of clandestine, reading-the-tea-leaves activity, waiting for a woman to reveal her true colors.
But women are doing the same thing.
Women are, by and large, afraid they’re going to be stuck with a man who is domineering, perhaps abusive, or, on the other hand, lazy and not able to take care of them and their family. So women are engaging in a similar clandestine, tea-leaf-reading activity in dating.
Both of these approaches to dating are bad, because they’re motivated by fear, which, as John Paul II noted, is the opposite of love.
Dating as “Quality Shopping”
What this fear trains us to do, especially on the apps, is to search for qualities that we like.
There are important qualities to look for in a relationship; however, when we are focused solely on the “qualities,” it treats dating like shopping for a product. This inverts the purpose of dating. Dating should be about getting to know the person, rather than getting to know their “qualities.” Charm is deceptive. Beauty is fleeting. Beliefs, values, and priorities change over time.
Quality-shopping can lead to certain questions being asked before they need to be asked.
Are you on birth control?
Are you planning on raising our children Catholic?
Do you believe in divorce?
Who did you vote for in the last election?
These questions are important, and the conversations need to be had eventually, but remember this person is basically a stranger. You wouldn’t ask a stranger any of these questions.
Asking these questions in the early stages of dating signals to the other person that you care more about finding a certain type of woman than getting to know this woman. It can make a person feel used. This is true for both sides.
The woman in the above conversation may have had a perfect understanding of the husband as head of the wife but felt like she was being screened. It didn’t matter who she was, merely what she believed.
First in Intention, Last in Execution
The typical response to this is, “Well, dating is for marriage, so shouldn’t I ask these questions?”
Yes, that’s true. However, marriage is not even on the table right now, because you don’t marry qualities; you marry a person. How can you ask questions about marriage if you haven’t even considered marrying this person yet?
These conversations are important, but they ought to be had later.
Someone on X responded to this observation with, “Why shouldn’t a priority come first?”
This is a misunderstanding of how priorities work. A priority – an important thing – might be first in intention, but last in execution.
That’s true of most things. When you’re going on a trip, the priority is the destination, but you don’t arrive at the destination first. You arrive at the destination last. The purpose of sex between a husband and a wife is to conceive a child, not pleasure, but the pleasure comes first.
Despite the fact that marriage is first in priority in dating, it’s not first in execution.
Dating as Staged Discernment
You shouldn’t talk about marriage right away (or marriage-adjacent topics), even if that’s what you’re looking for.
Instead, “I’m looking for a serious relationship. I’m looking for a committed relationship.” And even that conversation should be had a couple of dates in.
Dating is a process of discernment, and each step needs to be discerned in its time.
Virtual stage → Do I want to spend time with this person in-person?
Dating stage → Do I want a committed relationship with this person?
Committed Stage → Do I want to marry this person?
This is even true of the priesthood. When I was discerning the priesthood, many priests told me the first step is not “Do I want to become a priest?” The first step is “Do I want to apply to seminary?”
God reveals His plan to us in stages. He doesn’t show us the end right away; He reveals His plan step by step.
So, despite the fact that these questions - male headship, contraception, sex before marriage, raising our kids in the church, etc. – are all important, they don’t come first.
For men and women in the dating stage, especially in this novel thing of internet dating, which is obviously new, we need to recognize what the conversations are for.
Whst a well written piece.